Countless Blessings

“Keep holding on, cause you know you’ll make it through.”

There are things entering my mind every single bit of a second every single day of my life since thursday. My mind could not bear all the things I’m feeding it, but I don’t know how to stop. We all have our crazy days, and these past few days have been cruelly insane for me. Pardon me to switch topics from time to time because my mind is not really sorted out right now and I just wanna release everything on my mind hoping it will be lessened, or better off — gone.

I was thinking about death. Yes, too scary for your life, for our life, for our loved ones’ life. But man, we gotta face it. Life starts and ends. Last week I was like, “Why did he do that? He has no other options than to kill himself?” pointing at the late Sec. Angelo Reyes. Today I realized anyone can kill themselves. Not that I would, but I can. It’s so hard thinking about problems all the time. Its hard for a 20 year old like me who never got into any more worse situation than this in the past two decades and then suddenly hear big pressures right and left. I’m too occupied with the drama right now, and seriously, if I don’t have Jesus, I could’ve killed myself now. If you can only hear everything in my mind, you’d be deaf.

As much as I wanted to be positive about everything, there’s still some things that makes me pessimistic. There are things I try hard not to listen to, but I can still hear it. There are things I don’t wanna say, but then my mouth blabbers everything. What is happening to the world? Seriously now.

I wanna run away to a far place with no specific destination in mind. I wanna look up to the sky and breathe so deep and sleep in a field with green grass and flowers around me. I wanna scream and shout at a high place where no one can hear me. I wanna throw lots of coins into a wishing well without asking for anything at all. I wanna eat lollipops and cotton candy and ice cream and chocolates and cupcakes until I feel like throwing up. I wanna go to the beach, walk on the seashore, watch my feet make a mark on the sand and watch it being washed by the sea. I wanna have coffee or tea with my mp3 player and doodle notebook in a serene garden where there are butterflies and the smell of freshly brewed coffee or lemongrass or lavender scent. There’s just so many things I wanna do but nothing will keep my agony away even if I did all of these already. I know it. Because it happened before, and it will happen again, i’m sure.

So weird, my blog title is so positive yet the blog content is so negative. What’s happening?

Knees calling me to pray. Bye.